After a tough year, I’m practicing gratitude while leaving room for anger

For the past few weeks, we’ve been exploring my anger in therapy. The anger is because I can’t find an accessible and reasonable way to write, and it’s directed toward my body for holding me hostage. But behind that volatile emotion is fear.

I know that sometimes bodies break and don’t get better. What if this is the time when I don’t heal? What if my author career is over, even though I still have so many stories left to tell? What if I become so incapacitated that I stop being able to share columns?

After a year of struggling to get words on the page due to my pain levels, I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally. It started in November 2025 after a neck injury. Whenever I typed using a computer keyboard, I’d get symptoms mimicking a migraine and accompanying vertigo that lasted for days or weeks.

Since then, I was diagnosed with occipital neuralgia, a disorder that affects the nerves in my head and neck, and myofascial pain syndrome, which causes inflamed, aching muscles with trigger points. These conditions aren’t caused by hypoparathyroidism, but my disease exacerbates symptoms with additional muscle tightness and pain. The trifecta has left me wrung out and anxious.

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After my initial injury, I’d taken to writing on my phone like I would a text message, and it’s caused forearm and elbow pain and strain. I’ve been struggling with different dictation software; my favorite app stopped working after I upgraded my phone’s operating system, and the replacements I’ve found summarize my sentences instead of transcribing them word for word. I’ve been using my phone’s built-in talk-to-text software, but it leaves a lot to be desired. For instance, whenever I say “hypoparathyroidism,” it types “hippo thyroidism.”

At the end of May, I had a brief reprieve, and then experienced another flare-up between my scapulas in June, making typing on a keyboard impossible again. Then, two weeks ago, I was put on partial bed rest for nerve pain in both legs. I cried for two days.

I want to scream and shout and shatter glass because my creativity is trapped by a malfunctioning body with no way around it. I suspect many chronic illness patients can relate to wanting to pursue their dreams, only to be stopped by both their physical limitations and accessibility issues. I’m digging through the last of my perseverance, trying to make my book deadline in just under two months. Writing while balancing high pain days and a constant rotation of physical therapy, massage, chiropractic care, and mental health therapy appointments is like scaling a brick wall that keeps getting taller while scraping my skin raw.

Celebrating my progress

This is when my therapist would tell me to practice gratitude. So what am I grateful for? I have extensive writing knowledge, talent, a wonderful agent, and a strong support network. Even though I’m not fully healed, I have made substantial progress.

This week, I received the all-clear to start typing in short bursts using my computer keyboard again. This is the first column I’ve been able to edit using my laptop since June, and my eyes keep tearing up in joy. I’ve also finished over 60% of my book, despite my setbacks. For the first time in weeks, I believe someday I may scale the brick wall.

As I try to finish this year better than how I began it, I will leave room for anger. I will throw a tantrum, cry, and scream into a pillow when I need to. I’ll wish for the days when I could type without fear of monthslong consequences. Then, I’ll set my anger aside and celebrate the progress I’ve made, the work I’ve done, and the journey I’ve been able to share through these columns. Finally, I will take all of these emotions and put them into my book.

Note: Hypoparathyroidism News is a strictly news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hypoparathyroidism News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hypoparathyroidism.