Reflecting on the qualities of a good friend in life with chronic illness
As my mother used to say, 'All you need is one good friend'
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“Friends don’t owe! They do because they wanna do.” — Rocky Balboa in “Rocky III”
Friendships, much like hypoparathyroidism, are not one-size-fits-all. I appreciate my small, close-knit circle of friends.
When I was younger, my mom would tell me, “All you need is one good friend.” Back then, I disagreed, believing that a large group was better. Over time, though, I’ve come to understand the wisdom in my mother’s words.
Friendship isn’t about how many people show up at a party; it’s about those who support you through their actions. It’s the friend who brings a phone charger when you’re hospitalized, surprises you with tickets to your favorite team when you need cheering up, or goes grocery shopping for you because they understand your anxiety.
When my world feels like it’s falling apart, it’s the friends who show up at my door when I don’t answer my phone who truly matter. Their actions give me hope and reassurance, reminding me I am valued — something especially important when managing a chronic illness.
Life without a crystal ball
I’ve lost many friends over the years, and I often think about them. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and each friendship serves a purpose. Living with hypoparathyroidism has made it difficult to maintain connections, but every friend — whether in my life briefly or for years — has enriched it in some way.
Battling hypoparathyroidism is not an excuse, but it remains my biggest challenge in maintaining friendships. I often have to cancel plans because I don’t feel well, and unpredictable calcium levels make it nearly impossible to plan ahead. Without a crystal ball, I never know how I’ll feel from one day to the next.
It’s hard for people to understand hypoparathyroidism if they’ve never walked in my shoes. Comments like, “You’re sick again?” or “Just take some calcium,” can be frustrating and make me realize just how difficult it is to explain my illness.
There is no cure for hypoparathyroidism. Fortunately, research and progress continue, but explaining this condition is tough, as even doctors sometimes can’t address my daily brain fog, fatigue, and anxiety.
Taking more calcium might help me avoid a crash, but it doesn’t solve my need for connection or a normal life. A good day with a friend sharing laughter and understanding is the best medicine and gives me hope. That’s a gift I always treasure, though it’s hard when no one wants to make plans with someone who always seems sick.
Finding a ‘good one’
When my daughter was in preschool and I was pregnant with my son, she asked if a girl from her class could join us at the park. From the moment I met that little girl and her incredible mother, my life changed. We became the best of friends. Our sons were born just weeks apart, and the six of us shared many special times together.
Bari Vapnek enjoys a walk with a friend to ring in the new year, as she remembers another close friend who passed away. (Courtesy of Bari Vapnek)
Beyond having children the same age, our bond deepened through shared health challenges. She was the only friend who truly asked about my disease, took care of my children during my health crises, and encouraged me to exercise despite my limitations.
My friend was an extraordinary athlete — a record-breaking runner in high school and at a Division 1 university. She should have been an Olympian. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with lymphoma in her early 20s. Though she beat it after aggressive chemotherapy, the treatment caused lasting complications.
For decades, she faced ongoing health challenges but persevered, working and walking on her treadmill every day, even with an oxygen tank. She lost her battle in 2022, fighting with unwavering determination until the very end.
Despite her own health battles, she was always there for me. She could have won Olympic medals, but I won a gold medal simply by having her as my friend. It turns out Mom was right: It’s quality over quantity — a lesson I have finally learned.
On my late friend’s birthday on Jan. 1, I began 2026 missing her deeply, but I got up and walked, just as she always encouraged me to do. The tone for the new year is set by how you spend it, and I was fortunate to spend it with yet another friend whom I consider one of the good ones.
I hope every hypoparathyroidism warrior finds that one good friend who brings comfort and hope, and inspires appreciation for genuine connection.
Note: Hypoparathyroidism News is a strictly news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hypoparathyroidism News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hypoparathyroidism.
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