Having hypoparathyroidism helped me view friendships as a ‘spectrum of love’
Friends are friends, whether in person, on Facebook, Discord, WhatsApp, whatever
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It’s 4:30 a.m. and I’m staring at the wall, willing my brain and body to go back to sleep. I can’t tell what awakened me — a sound outside, a bad dream, the insistent pain in my hip and shoulder — but it doesn’t matter.
With a sigh, I reach for my phone and open Discord, an online chat platform with video and audio streaming capabilities. This is where I talk to most of my friends, both those who live close by and those who are a full hemisphere away. Having people in multiple time zones is a blessing; whether it’s 4:30 a.m. or p.m., there’s always someone around.
Chronic illness has changed my perspective on so many things in my life. One major thing I’ve learned is that I don’t need to ration my love to fit into boxes that able-bodied people have made about friendship. There isn’t a single check box for “online friend,” “in-person friend,” or “best friend.” Love and friendship, like most things in life, are a spectrum.
This Valentine’s Day, I’m not only celebrating my wonderful partner, whom I met online through friends, but I’m also celebrating friendship.
When I became sick as a teenager, first with hyperparathyroidism and then hypoparathyroidism after corrective surgery complications, I denied the fact that I needed a different approach to friendship. I always said yes, even when my body said no. Midnight runs to a local 24-hour diner and late-night shifts at work, followed by the bar. Long days of travel for spontaneous road trips. Those things were fun, but not sustainable.
Making friends, in person and virtually
After I collapsed from hypocalcemia and pneumonia, I took a hard look at my life. I realized that if I wanted to continue being a social butterfly, I was going to have to find a way to make friends that didn’t involve as much physical activity. There are some days I can’t get out of bed except to do the most basic things. And there are weeks when I’m so tired, I can only work an hour or two. Sometimes my pain is so high, talking on the phone is impossible.
Being an elder millennial who was raised when the internet became a household tool, I have decades of familiarity with chat rooms and social media. From Tumblr to WhatsApp, Discord to Instagram, I’ve found friends through common interests and experiences. Facebook led me to my book club and hypoparathyroidism friend group, while Tumblr, Instagram, and Discord became my haven for fandom and meeting other chronically ill people. Some people I’ve met in person, and others I connect with over video and phone calls. I’ve also invested in the premium version of Marco Polo, an asynchronous video app that lets me leave video messages for my loved ones.
Sure, there is a difference between the style of relationship I have with the people who live close and those who don’t. My friends in Australia can’t take me to my doctor’s appointments, but they will keep me company while I’m in the waiting room. Their lack of in-person presence doesn’t change their value.
No matter where we are, my chronic illness friends fill our chats with stories of our days, summaries of our specialist appointments, lab results, photos of kids and pets, birthday greetings, and gossip. My fandom friends talk about work, relationships, hobbies, and, of course, the thing we love that brought us all together. I have their birthdays in my calendar and their partners’ names in my contacts. I know their favorite songs and how they take their tea and coffee.
My in-person friends are just as wonderful. They will volunteer to drive me places or bring me dinner. We’ll have spontaneous trips to local bookstores, or they’ll crash on my couch while we watch TV together. I have friends who will sit on the phone with me while we get necessary tasks done, and writer friends who will jump on a video chat for motivation while we work. I’ve got friends who will FaceTime so we can watch a movie together, and others who send thinking-of-you cards from across the ocean.
As I look over how much love is in my life, I am humbled. One of the best things I’ve ever done was to stop seeing friendship as specific categories and start seeing it as a spectrum of love and support. I hope you choose to celebrate all the different types of love in your life, too.
Happy Valentine’s Day, readers!
Note: Hypoparathyroidism News is a strictly news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hypoparathyroidism News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hypoparathyroidism.
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